Hold Vomit in.
Here I go.
I CAN do this.
I’ve done this before and written the same words. I’ve started and stopped so many times that you’re probably annoyed I’m doing it again. Haha. Third times a charm right?
I don’t put myself out there ever. I hide and avoid people both online and in person. It is hard to even go take my daughter to dance or go to school parties, hell even the grocery store sometimes. Every time it’s a struggle and I do it because I have to but it’s hard as hell and I have a headache when I get home because I’ve stressed myself out over nothing. Is it dealing with depression my entire adult life? That’s part of it but it mostly comes down to one thing.
That’s why. It’s fear. It’s fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, thin enough, pretty enough etc. And that goes for my life and my photography. It’s so true that I have to quote Brooke Shaden’s tat “fear is the mind killer” true.
Along with the fear it’s getting lost. Getting lost in doing things for everyone around you and nothing for yourself. You let yourself go in every aspect and you completely lose who you are and what you want. You put yourself on the back burner for so long the thought of doing something for yourself almost feels wrong. It’s everything from the small things like going outside and worrying that someone will want to talk to you to the huge things like starting a career. You know you can do any of them if you just get out of your own way and stop giving a shit about what your tribe will say (and they will say it) and just doing it. It’s hard that’s why.
I have been doing a lot of value work and I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner. Trying to realize that I am just one person on this HUGE planet and that there is so much more to focus on than things people may or may not be thinking. It comes down to what you do for others. Again, just like you do everyday with the ones you love only not getting lost for yourself. You HAVE to do things for yourself. I feel like I am finally getting some freedom with #3 starting kindergarten this year. I am going to put myself into doing this, for myself and for the world. I need to live through creativity and share it. I know I’ll touch someone. I’m going to try. I am. I don’t ever ask for help but I’m going to now. I will need a boost sometimes. I might need someone to ask about me if they haven’t heard from me in a while.
You didn’t think I was going to put a clear picture of myself up yet did you? 🙂